For those who are disturbed, frigtened, or otherwise sickened by the Twilight mania: This one's for you.

(Disclaimer: I didn't write this, though I wish I did. Be prepared to laugh your guts out. :D )

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Twilight,

by Stephany Meyer

Oh, my.

This book justifies Bad Book Month all by itself. It's appalling. The redeeming factors are few and far between (mostly Charlie, because he's sweet; and maybe Jasper), but they're helpless against the overwhelming gag factor.The most appalling element, however, is how popular this novel is. How many teenage girls are drinking this up and screaming for more. I fear for my gender's future, for what they're learning about love and relationships through this series.However, I'm not the only one who's noticed the general lack of quality about this book (and its sequels, which I hear just get worse). avadriel posted an insightful, if scathing, review of the book. Reading the one-star reviews on Amazon is also quite fun.Because of the amount of anti-Twilight stuff out there - though, granted, it only equals the smallest fraction of the pro-Twilight fan-girl mania - I'm not going to write a review. I'm not going to go into the disturbing way Bella and Edward's obsessive relationship is portrayed as true love, or how borderline abusive it is, with Bella's complete lack of self outside Edward and Edward's controlling, emotionally unstable behavior. I don't have anything new to say on the topic. I am, instead, going to provide you with a catalog. A count of various elements in the book, which should give you a feel for exactly how numerous its flaws are.

The Catalog Number of Pages in the Book: 498

The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328

When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372

Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5

Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved

Before Bella Is Begging Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The timeline's a bit fuzzy.

References to Edward's Beauty: 165Broken Down into the following categories -

Face: 24 (Favorite adjectives: glorious, heavenly, seraphic)

Voice: 20 (The voice of an archangel, donchaknow.)

Eyes: 17

Movement: 11

Smile: 10

Teeth: 8

Muscles: 7

Skin: 7 (Note: This only contains accounts of Edward's skin being beautiful. I didn't count references to it as "pale," "cold," or "white." If I had, this number would be about ten times larger.)

Iron Strength or Limbs: 5

Breath: 4 (EVEN HIS BREATH IS AMAZING.)

Scent: 4

Laughter: 3

Handwriting: 2

Chest: 2

Driving Skills: 1

The Number of Times...

Bella Is Clumsy or Makes a Reference to Her Clumsiness: 26

Bella Sneers at Forks or Its Inhabitants: 22

Bella is "Dazzled" or Rendered Speechless by Edward's Beauty or Touch: 17

Edward Tells Bella to Stay Away from Him While Completely Contradicting

Himself with His Behavior: 16

Bella is Utterly Desolate at Edward's Absence: 12

Edward and Bella Kiss: 8

Bella's Hormones Get the Better of Her and She Attacks Edward, Almost Causing Him to Eat Her: 2 (She's not even allowed to kiss him back!

Where's the fun in that?)

Edward's Kiss Makes Bella Faint: 1

Edward's Kiss Makes Bella's Heart Literally Stop: 1

Bella Thinks She Isn't Good Enough for Edward: 6

Edward Is Referred to As Godlike: 5 (Note: This number might be off, as I didn't start counting until three or four mentions in.)

Edward Tells Bella She's Unnatural: 5

Edward Sparkles: 3

Bella is in Mortal Danger: 3

Edward Saves Bella from Mortal Danger: 3

Edward Stalks Bella, For Real: 2 (Note: One of these instances involves

watching her sleep every night for, like, months.)

Bella says "Holy Crow!": 2

Bella and Edward Argue About Who Loves the Other Most: 1

Edward's Inability to Read Bella's Mind is Explained: 0

I would have kept track of how many times Edward's mood shifts unexpectedly and for no reason, but I didn't have that much paper. I am sad, though, that I didn't keep track of how many times words like "granite," "stone," and "marble" are used in reference to Edward. His arms, his lips. Explain to me how kissing cold, marble lips is at all appealing. And yet it makes Bella faint. I give up.

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Lines That Made Me Laugh Out Loud Because...Well, You'll See:

I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious.

Note: Unless I say otherwise, just assume such sentiments are referring to Edward in all his glory.

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.

Incandescent. Scintillating. The adjectives in this book cracked me up. Because he sparkles!

The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.

Paled! Is that a joke? Oh, she's serious? I was afraid of that.

As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water.

This to me was the most disturbing aspect of Edward's inhuman perfection. It's just weird. And gross. And weird.Edward: "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

Um, Ed, babe? You were seventeen when you were turned. I highly doubt those "hungers" were foreign to you.

I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest.He pressed his cool lips to my forehead, and the room spun. The smell of his breath made it impossible to think.Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted.He leaned in slowly, the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether....

EDWARD KISSES HER AND HER HEART LITERALLY STOPS. I just...I don't even know what to do with this. Other than laugh hysterically while I beat my head against the table.

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From now on, I'm using the word "Edwardian" to refer to something inhumanly beautiful or perfect. For example: "Joe is totally Edwardian. Did you see his abs?"And, because I am going to laugh at Edward Cullen for the rest of my life - because why, if you are immortal and so gorgeous that women faint at the sight of you, would you enroll in high school? wouldn't you have better things to do with your time? - I decided to start by writing a short parody of Twilight. When I finished, I realized it wasn't quite as much of a parody as I'd hoped, because the writing is actually like this. It's hard to make it even more ridiculous, but I tried. I'm pretty sure every adjective I used is already in the book. Multiple times.Note: This contains a ridiculous theory of mine regarding the Twilight cover. Why is she holding an apple? Why? I get the color scheme, but an apple? Thus was born my vampiric fruit theory.Note 2: Also, I think the funniest thing in the world would be if Edward actually ate Bella. I'd, like, frame that passage. Sadly, at the end of the series, I have the feeling Bella will have yet another tragic accident, only this time, the only way Edward will be able to save her is to turn her into a vampire - just as she's always wanted! And I will mourn the death of teen literature.And now - the parody!

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Duskiness

Edward leaned toward me, his perfect face inches from mine. His sweet, delicious breath ghosted over my face. His golden eyes glowed with love.“How do you like it?” he whispered, his velvet voice purring in my ear.I couldn’t respond, so dazzled was I by his sparkling skin. He shone like a diamond in the sun, a godlike creature before me. He smirked at my befuddlement, but then his face darkened and he thundered, “Don’t be difficult, Bella!” I cringed, but he instantly softened, chuckled his bell-like laugh, and leaned toward me again. His cold, pale fingers brushed my cheek. I stopped breathing.“Come here,” he said, bounding up in one of those blindingly-fast movements I’d grown accustomed to. “I want to show you something.”He led me to a small creek and sank gracefully into the grass at its edge. I tripped over a pebble and landed on my face in the mud. Edward laughed. How could he love me? He was so beautiful, gorgeous, and perfect. Like the statue of David come alive. Like Adonis, a god, an angel. Edward removed his shoes and rolled up the cuffs of his jeans, and I gasped at the sight of his white, smooth ankles. Sunlight reflected off his toenails, each an ivory glint of perfection. I’d never seen Edward’s feet before. I hadn’t realized he could be more beautiful than he was, but there seemed no end to his beauty.My heart beat madly in my chest, bounced up into my throat, ricocheted off half a dozen ribs, and finally settled somewhere in the vicinity of my kneecap. I collapsed.Faster than a speeding bullet, Edward had lifted me in his marble arms and cradled me to his granite chest. “Bella? Bella!” he screamed. “No!”The sight of his perfect, glorious face so twisted in anguish sent waves of torture through my body. “Edward!” I gasped.His cold, unyielding lips pressed to mine, but I dared not move for fear of breaking his control, so irresistible did he find the scent of my blood. I could not bear knowing I had caused Edward pain by forcing him to eat me. My heart fluttered around my kneecap.The kiss done, Edward set me on my feet. Without moving, I tripped over a stick and would have fallen in the stream had Edward not caught me in his iron embrace.“Will you answer a question?” I asked. “Of course, my love, my life, my forever,” Edward said, casually tearing boulders apart with his toes. I watched, spellbound for a moment, before remembering myself.“I once asked if you could turn into a bat, and you just laughed.”Edward smirked. “Because it was a stupid question. We don’t turn into bats. Why would we want to turn into bats?”“But can you turn into something?”“Of course.” He stood, stretched, and his shirt rose enough for me to catch a glimpse of his sculpted abs above his waistband. I hyperventilated and passed out.When I awoke, Edward was speaking. “—for disguise.”“What?” I asked breathlessly.“I said, we turn into fruit. It’s great for disguising yourself.” He watched me carefully, to see if this revelation would finally be the one that convinced me he was a monster, that sent me screaming from him.“Oh.” I said. “What kind of fruit?”He looked frustrated, annoyed, euphoric, scared, nervous, grumpy, amused, sleepy, and sad. Like an archangel come down from heaven to bless me with his presence. “An apple.”“Oh. Can I see?” Rage colored his features. “No! Why can’t you understand? I’m a danger to you! I could kill you! I should leave you forever!” He threw himself forward and wrapped his arms around me. “I should go – right now! It’s the only way to keep you safe!”Despair settled over me, so thick and heavy I could hardly see. “No, Edward! Don’t leave me! I know we’ve only been together for three hours, but I want to spend forever with you! Please!”He pulled back and looked at me, thousands of emotions roiling in his liquid topaz eyes. “Do you mean that, Bella?”“Yes.”“Very well.”His perfect, glorious, heavenly face dipped toward me, and he touched his cold lips to my neck. He growled deep in his throat, a sound that traveled up and down my spine like lightning.Then came a sharp pain. His grip tightened. I gasped his name. My sight dimmed until all I could see was the sparkle of his skin, calling me to paradise.Then nothing.

****

Edward looked down at the body of Bella Swan, pale and lifeless in his pale and lifeless arms.

“Oops.”

His sobs shook the forest for six long seconds, and then he stood, wiping a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth.

“Yum.”

He sprinted for the edge of the forest, moving faster than any living creature, and wondered if that Angela girl would be his new lab partner.

The End!

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And now you don't have to read the book. Your brain will thank you.

(This is copied from this blog: http://otahyoni.livejournal.com/130432.html

Give the credit where it is due-- this is really great!)

Rantings of an idealist / pragmatist

I am reading Uncle Tom's Cabin right now, and the over arching theme, at least for me, is that evil hurts the perpetrator just as much as the one it is enacted upon.
Simon Legree -the repugnant slave owner who sexually abuses young girl slaves, and ultimately kills Tom- is made out as a horrible person in the book. Yet, at the end, you get a feel for his suffering. After he has killed Simon, and he is confronted by Maser' George, he falls to the ground, sobbing, so pained by the sorrow for what he has done. His pain is greater than that of Cassy, or any of the others whom he has abused. Even Tom.
Now, maybe I am strange in this, or shouldn't feel it, but I feel such sympathy for Simon.
How many of us get caught in things that we know are wrong, yet can't seem to stop doing?
Why do we do these things?
I believe that we do these things--and really, everything-- to try to either perpetuate something, or hide it. He was trying to run from his pain / anger / remorse by taking his anger out on others. He felt powerful by exercising his power over the powerless.
Yet, he still felt horrible about what he was doing. It was tearing him up.
It is obvious that he still had some humanity, whether or not he let it show.
He needed love just as much as anyone. Probably more so. And yet, when one reads it, one feels like he is the ultimate evil. But isn't it the ultimate evil that need our love?
Who are we to deny it?
And how is this like real life? I believe that there are just as many people out there now that need to be loved, regardless of what they have done.
We need to be careful in our selectiveness. Yes, we shouldn't put ourselves in places where we will become evil as well, but we should never deny someone love. Ever. Who knows when we will be in the same situation?
(Note: Please remember that I am talking about plutonic love here.)

And all this talk about evil and good is making me think.
I don't think there really is a such thing as a person being good or evil.
I believe that a person, at their core, is good. No matter what. Actions that are influenced by those around us, misunderstanding, or different paradigms cause a veil over that inner person--our inner self-- and our exterior that everyone sees.
Understanding someone is to understand their motives, and to love them.
Not until you love and accept them are you capable of understanding them.
Understanding someone is also to understand yourself.
No one has a motive that you cannot find in yourself in at least some degree.

If everyone truly tried to understand themselves and others, the world would be a much, much happier place.

But, maybe I'm just too idealist / pragmatic. I don't know.

Beauty--what is it?

Beauty.
Every girl wants to be beautiful. But at what cost does that come in today's world? You see ads on TV and in magizines, showing paper thin models, not an ounce of extra fat on them, perfect make-up, perfect nose, perfect cheeks. . . .It makes me wonder if those models and the prducers of the magizines and comecials realize what they are doing to young girl's self-esteem. If they do, they are monsters, if they don't, they must be the most unobservant group of people to ever exist. I see girls --myself included-- who cause damage to themselves, wether through anorexia, bulimia, or excessive excersize, or through keeping a twisted view of themselves and reality, suffering under the misguided illussion that they must look like movie stars to be truly worth anything. The latest clothes, the latest hair, the thinnist body. It is so painful for me to see that they do not realize that they are beautiful the way they are. Think about it this way- if you are not valued for who you are, rather than what you look like, your value will expire very shortly. If you get married, and your husband only loves you for your body, then what will happen after you have had a couple kids, and your hips are a size 16?

Thinking about this has lead me to a question. That is, what is beauty? If beauty is looking like a movie star, then it could be said that the beauty is really in the computer that did the airbrusing.
My deffinition of beauty is this: someone who has developed their charicter, and embraces their humanity.
Embraces their humanity? you may ask. Yes. Their humanity. If we are to truly be beautiful, we need embrace every part of being human. Yep, zits, bad breath, idosyncracies and all. If we do not accept this part of ourselves, (and it's part of everyone, no matter how much they deny it) we cannot be comfortable with ourselves, and we will not be free to be beautiful. By letting go of the mold we think we must fit, we free ourselves from the chains of society.
One more thing on humanity.
If we have not embraced our humanity, how can we help others do so? I believe it is everyone's moral responsability to do all that is in their power to make others feel their worth.

To me, this is beauty:
A person, unshackled by society, free to be themselves -and doing it too- who helps others, to feel beautiful, and in all other ways possible. A person who is trusted, and trust worthy. Most of all, a person not afraid to be who they really are- the good, the bad, and the ugly of it.

Isn't it amazing? This world has existed for at least 7,000 years. That's 2,555,000 days. In those two million + days, we have taken gigantic leaps in our technology, and our learning, in EVERY area we have advanced so amazingly that it would not have been believed. I mean, can you just imagine telling Pre-historic people that one day, you could communicate with people all around the world, just by email? In the few million days, which really isn't that many, if you think about it, we have had Napolian's, Aristotle's, Cincinnatus's, Esther's, a Christ, Ceasers, Joan d' Ark's. . . every amazing thing that has ever happened in our history, every amazing person who was ever born. . . It all happened in a short 2,555,000 days.
It makes me think further. What will *I* do in my days? If I live to be 75, I'll have had 27,375 days in which to accomplish what I will.
It kind of makes you appreciate how much each day counts.
Anyway, forgive my ramblings. . .

~Tracy

TJEd online

So, I have found this really cool community, for TJEd people. You should go check it out. :) www.tjedonline.ning.com
Enjoy!

Ok, so with the new year, I have decided to learn a new language. I have always wanted to learn French, because I think it is one of the prettiest languages, and there are lots of books I would like to read in the original language. (Such as Les Miserables, and The Spirit of Laws, The scarlet pimpernel, Etc. )

Sooo. I have been using the Pimsleur tapes from my library, and I am now 2 lessons in! :)

*Pats self on back ;)*

Unless you have or are learning french, you probably have NOO idea how much of a tongue twister it is. I am convinced that I will be a pro at tongue twisters when I am done. . . :)

Also, it's kind of funny how some of the words sound like 4 letter ones. . .

lol.

Any way.

Happy belated New Year!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

~Tracy